Please play this music while reading if you don't mind.. It's the song that I always play these days and it fits well with the post.. Thanks! Let's starts now :)
I actually wanted to share about another thing yesterday. I have lots of postponed posts since long time ago, it's in my draft lists,hahahha.. But I thought this post needs to come 1st before other next posts.. It's about what I felt days ago.. Nothing big happened, it's just a normal good day.. I just realized another great things..
I thought it happend 2 days ago.. In the evening after work, I sat in front of my laptop as usual.. Checking my facebook, replying some emails, doing banking.. Then suddenly there was this urge to clean all the histories in my computer website.. Most times I actually forgot that I need to do that.. In my laptop, sometimes I need to clean it frequently, kalau tidak nanti bisa jadi error sendiri,ahhahahaha.. Mungkin karena laptop saya masih model lama?? LOL.. Sudah seringkali error sampai harus di restore ke factory default beberapa kali karena terkena berbagai macam virus dan software yang saya sendiri tidak tahu itu apa or darimana asalnya,hohohohooh..
So, I cleaned all of them.. Few moments after that, that history button made me reflect on something which was MY OWN HISTORY IN LIFE.. Perhaps for you, It's quite strange how 1 button could made me doing some flashback, even me, I found it odd also but that's the fact here..
I started to remember everything I had done in my past before I knew Jesus.. Starting when I was in primary school then junior high.. It was horrible.. I couldn't even believe I did things that I shouldn't do..
I looked down on people.. Based on economy condition, appearance, and intelligence.. If I thought they couldn't match with me, especially in those 3 categories, I wouldn't be bother even to look at them.. I only wanted to be friends with high maintenance people.. That's so arrogant, isn't it? I did not even know why and how I could do such things..
I took everything in my life for granted.. I did so many terrible things in front of and behind people's back.. I humiliated some people, make them felt like this : if you couldn't match my lifestyle, don't be bother to be friends with me, just go and stay away from me..
The day when I experienced heartbroken, I became super crazy with money.. I keep asking my mom and since she loves me too much, I knew it, that's why once again, I took it as granted.. I knew she would not refuse if I asked.. I was a spoiled brat since my dad passed away.. I was easily got sick, so weak, that made my mom spoiled me in so many ways.. Money just kept running in my hand like water.. If she asked what I spent it for, I said I did not know, the money was just gone, that's it..
- It happened like that for quite a long time, months maybe.. Till one day I realized I was not happy.. I wasn't happy at all..
My turning point was in my last 2nd year in my junior high, or you can say the beginning of the 3rd year.. I believe you know it, since I mentioned it so many times.. I had personal encounter with God in my home church, in Surabaya, Mawar Sharon Church.. My heart, forever and ever, gonna be always so grateful everytime I remember that church..
I was so ashamed of myself.. Even I, consider myself as trash.. I'm not exaggerating here.. Once, I even thought should I just kill myself and die so this misery could go away.. The heartbroken that I experienced was just too much for me at that time.. I lost the one that close to me at that time.. Worse, after I decided to change my life, one by one, my friends, people who I thought will stand by me, rose up and gave their back for me.. More people left me.. People that I considered as important, they stabbed me from the back.. Everytime they mentioned my name, negative comments will absolutely follow it..
- Money, appearance, and intelligence COULDN'T even save me..
That day, even after my decision to follow Him, I still cried at night everyday.. It was so hard.. I had no friend, not even 1 person to support me.. I did not tell this to my mom since she had a lot of work already to take care my family since my dad passed away.. So I could only cried at night.. That's when the word : "I ONLY HAD YOU, GOD", came out from my mouth for the 1st time..
- Slowly but sure, I put aside all those things that I always been proud of..
- NEVER AGAIN I TAKE EVERYTHING IN THIS LIFE FOR GRANTED..
I push myself down to be humble.. I learnt how to smile 1st, to say hello/hi 1st, to start a conversation 1st, to talk to other people.. I did all of those things for all people, as equal, not only to certain groups of people.. It was so hard if only I could explain.. I learnt to not hold back my blessing, I learnt to give generously, I learnt to respect people, I learnt not to stereo-type.. I learnt to offer a helping hand in times of need.. It's all a LEARNING PROCESS FOR ME.. Day by day, I practiced and learnt all of those things..
I learnt everything from 0.. Back to basic again.. I learnt to become a new person..
Even I cried every night on those struggling days, in the morning, the joy came back.. Knowing that The One who stands with me is THE LORD now..
- Psalm 30:5B =...;weeping may endure for a night, but joy come in the morning.
I was filled with such joy every day.. Knowing everyday is a new beginning for person like me..
Now, people thought I am a happy person from the start since I always smile.. The truth is I'm not.. I even learnt how to smile.. I became such person since I knew HIM..
Peeps, days ago when I remember all these things, I realized once again and considered myself as the worst among all.. I am the worst.. My past is just awful and full of negativity..
- BUT, I AM NOT ASHAMED OF IT.. Never in my life I feel ashamed to have that history.. On the contrary, I AM GRATEFUL that GOD let me have those past life so that it can bring GLORY TO THE LORD..
- SO WHEN I BOAST ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN MY LIFE, YEARS AGO-NOW-IN THE FUTURE, IT'S GONNA BE FOR THE LORD'S GLORY..
HOW HE CHANGED THIS TERRIBLE PERSON TO BECOME SOMEONE THAT EVEN SHE, CAN NOT AND NEVER IMAGINED..
Some people will not understand this, perhaps they think I was too holy-talking.. That's fine.. But I believe, for some of you that had experienced similar things with me (maybe in different situations), know that what I said it's true.. HOW ENCOUNTER WITH GOD ABLE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING..
Days ago till today, repeatedly, I was amazed and keep saying in my heart :
* HOW CAN HE POUR OUT SUCH GRACE TO ME? HOW CAN SUCH LOVE IS EXIST? i am the undeserved one, HAS BEEN MADE DESERVED TO RECEIVED SUCH LOVE..
* AMAZING LOVE, HOW CAN IT BE?
- I AM IN AWE.. FULL OF GRATEFUL FEELING.. GRATITUDE TOWARDS THE GIFT OF SALVATION.. MADE ME SING OUT THAT THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT LOVE.. THERE IS NONE LIKE HIM, MY SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST IN THIS WORLD..
HIS COMPASSION, MERCY, AND GRACE TEACH ME A LOT OF THINGS, BUT ONE OF THE BIGGEST LESSON IS :
- MY PAST WILL NEVER BECOME MY TODAY'S AND FUTURE'S LIFE.. MY HISTORY WILL NEVER DETERMINED WHO OR WHAT I AM TODAY AND LATER ON.. NEVER AGAIN MY PAST RULED MY LIFE.. PAST IS ONLY A HISTORY TO MAKE PEOPLE KNOW AND SEE HOW HE BRINGS ME TO A FLOURISHING FINISH.. HISTORY HAPPENED SO PEOPLE CAN REMEMBER THE GLORY BEHIND IT NOW.. WITH GOD, VICTORY IS ALWAYS THE END OF STORY.. THAT'S WHY IF IT'S NOT VICTORY ON MY SIDE, THEN IT MEANS MY STORY HASN'T ENDED YET.. -C.N
Many people left me after my decision to follow Him, it hurts of course in some area in my heart.. But compares to the joy that I received from The Lord, that hurt feeling was nothing.. I am HAPPIER than I was right now, in every way, in every circumstances and situation, I AM HAPPY..
Do not bother to make all people in this world understand you because such thing will NEVER gonna happen.. Do not bother to explain to all people in the world every reason behind your decisions.. Some people will not understand it even after you explain it completely..They just don't, maybe because they have their own opinions and we also need to/must respect that..
- FOR ME SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN, BUT IF IT USES IN THE RIGHT TIME AND CONDITION, YES IT CAN BECOMES A REAL GOLDEN..
- LIFE GOES ON, right?
- If they are really the ones from God for you, they gonna stay.. If not, even if they left, GOD will replace them with better people and it's all FOR YOUR OWN BENEFITS..
For me, whenever I click the history button in my life, I know :
- WHATEVER HAPPENS IN MY LIFE, EVEN THE REASON TO BE GRATEFUL DECREASE DAY BY DAY, MY HISTORY HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND COULDN'T BE ERASED.. MY PAST IS A MARK FROM GOD.. A PROOF OF HIS GOODNESS IN MY LIFE.. HOW GOD MADE THIS UNDESERVED ONE TO BE DESERVED TO RECEIVE SUCH MERCY..
I WILL USE MY HISTORY TO BE GRATEFUL.. TO SAY THIS PROUDLY EVERYDAY IN MY LIFE, AS LONG AS I LIVE :
- Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever (Psalm 136:1)
Ps : This is my brother.. The superman in my family.. He turned 24th yesterday.. Amazing man of God and great brother of mine.. I love him with all my heart.. Always and forever will be.. Xoxo..
Another additional information : I'm not gonna post anything in this blog for a while, maybe until December.. So, see you soon again in 1 month peeps! :)